In No Focus

     Like anything spiritually connected whether it's your heart or gut in-stink whatever you want to call it . Your body Often knows when something isn't right.  Time was passing fast and the contract paperwork was going back and forth.  Everything seamed to finally be in order. We have ordered the moving truck and locked some dates. 
   Just as the light started to shine down on us, lightning struck full force sending my children, husband, brother and myself straight slam-dunk into a tail spin.
     See where there's confusion there is no focus. Look at the spelling of the word- c o n f u s i o n  ( i n  n o  f o c u s ).
     With out notice or warning I was being thrown off of the cliff of confusion. I had unannounced visitors who came to the house in reference to our older dog Scooby. My mother-in-law will refer to as Reney and her boss/live-in boyfriend DZ.  Unknown to me on their arrival from east Ocala - Crescent City, DZ had a loaded gun with a silencer in his Chevy pick up truck.  Reney said Michael had sent them, which he didn't. At first she had me convinced they where going to take Scooby to the vet and have him checked out for his health, but if they put Scooby down then the vets office would not give me Scoobys remains. This was a lie also. Vets let you choose  what you want to do with your pet remains, it's the law.  And if you are ever faced with this - cremation options and what they offer has come full circle and at a fraction of the cost. Either way I would not get Scooby back. At this point I was in a clear panic and I could only reach my aunt down the street.
      I left messages, frantic messages on my husband and brother phones who where at work.
     Even though Scooby had a cyst type mass on his back end.  We didn't know what it was other then Scooby's old age. There was no real reason for this. I was not in control, I was confused and crying and all I remember is feeding our dog. My aunt  tried to comfort me but she was no help. I remember them wanting to take Scooby down the street where DZ  parked his truck at a house DZ just sold. Their intention was never to take Scooby to the vet to help us but to kill Scooby and bury him down the street so we wouldn't know. Just Reney saying they were gonna take Scooby down there and bury him there and that my husband Michael said he wanted this.  No way.  I couldn't reach Michael but finally my brother pulled in across the street and right after that DZ shot and murdered our dog in our back yard by the barn. I'm in the house in a freaked out state.   They killed my coffee buddy. I couldn't stop it. I felt defenseless about what just happened.  My children's dog has just been killed and they drive off and  in the back yard there is still a mess of blood and guts on the barn that had to be cleaned up after he was buried. 
      By that time Michael calls back and I'm out of control in tears crying and he swears he was asked only about taking Scooby to the vet. Never would he do such a thing right after Kim died or ever. It was just 2 weeks since we had the memorial brunch.  February 24, 2014 Scooby was shot to death right after they left for school. Michael insisted he received a phone call and was only asked about taking Scooby to the vet for the mass on his backside and to help me because I couldn't it. Scooby was a retriever mix boy and he was about 80lbs.  DZ and Reney was never asked dog to come to our home with a silencer gun and murder our dog.  This was apparently Reney's and DZ's idea like the good old boys due back on DZ's cranberry farms  in WI
    When my brother yelled at me to stay in the house right after this happened,  he was going off . He's he's a lousy --- shot.  I'm done and I have had enough Mike needs to come home and move his family and clean up this f--- mess.  His mother said he wanted to help you because you where going to move. Said she did this for her grandchildren.   You do not hurt people you love.  She's whacked like your mother.  He was right.  Reney specifically asked and just wanted to make sure and to confirm the twins where to never know the truth their own grandmother was responsible for the death of our dog.  So now they want me to keep their murder secret and lie for them.
     I was incapable and Not  in a state of normalcy As I reached Sue my sister and she  came over and helped me give Scooby a service with the kids. It was horrible. They were more devastated over Scooby then they where of Kim. The children where crushed and cried themselves to sleep. My son keeps his picture on his wall board to this day. These babies didn't deserve this and our children won't forget it any time soon. It would have been better to have Scooby cremated after he died on his own.

     I'm required to forgive to be forgiven, but I will not trust them or believe them in anything they do or say. My husband warned me never to trust Reney but like I said before ( you tend to want what you don't have) and you keep trying to believe they will change and you end up leaving yourself  wide open for more abuse. It's abuse and you don't have to take it. Part of healing from the abuse is telling the truth and yes they know everything now.  

      Pandora's box and the kitten dream did stop for a while.
My brother refuses to talk to my husband at this point. Everyone wants Michael to quit and come home but regardless I needed to move.  God told me so.  It doesn't matter what the world says I will make it. They don't understand and I can't explain it but my life is based on faith I can't change now.

Support System

     Heading to Georgia become an underlying list of things that require preparation. Quite frankly a real pain for someone in my condition. I'm exhausted before I leave but looking forward to adult time.  Before I became physically depleted I was a workaholic.  I worked all the time and really had no idea what it was like or what it took to be a mother who stayed at home to run things. I worked 10 to 10 most days and caught up on weekends when needed. When I remarried I made a promise to keep it at 5 days a week.  In the end to meet the new demands of my current situation it was more like working 7 day,nights, and weekends too. Barely eating, hardly sleeping and no rest trying to fit in everyone's needs at home and their issues to.
     Right now my bone marrow was clean but I still had a lot of dirt to clean up. You know the junk drawer in the kitchen or the back closest in the guest room wait or better yet the garage and barn! Oh yes you can store a lot crap in the barn and garage.  Well on my quest in doing this I had somethings going for me. Significant other people that other people like me may not have or had.

1. Husband who loves me (Michael)
2. A brother who cares for me (Twig)
3. Sisters who adopted me over 20 / 30 years ago (Sue & Paula)
4. My children grandchildren and family support 
5. My friends and church family and their support
6. Nyla my cat and my other animals

Sue and I heading north for 7 hours we can talk. The goal was to get a house. Michael was working long hours and didn't have time during the week to see anything left the pressure point high because I didn't understand clearly what his new job entailed and what it took to do what he does.
     By the time we got there Sue and I pretty much covered everything from doctors,kids,work, money and our spouses. The only one who new more then Sue about my pain and suffering was Nyla.
Most children can't sleep without their blanket or stuffed animal, well I had trouble without Nyla. She stays by my side no matter what room I'm in and sleeps at the top of my head on her pillow.    
     This is where all the support comes in. Twig and Aunt Barb are with the kids, and animals taking care of them.  Sue is taking care of me right now getting me to Georgia and my oldest Michelle and Bob with the grand kids have Michael. Nothing could work without each one and their part and I tell you I can't sit here and type this without tears.  I never felt more love in my life and yet how could I deserve it.  A child a mother didn't want . Deep down you always seem to want what you don't have.
I had a drive to want to get better but it's the will of wanting to get better and knowing the difference.
     I cried a lot out of fear of the unknown. I always planned and knew what the next step was and here I'm having to relive a past step by step without a plan and no step by step manual.  How can I leave Twig,Sue and my aunt and uncle and make it. Leave Florida and everything I know. Oh my rely totally on my husband.  Why God, why is this happening to me? Forced to chose these things now.
     I knew this answer and well when God's ready to take you out of the playing field and you don't listen guess what he doesn't need your permission!
    God and I well,  we had a talk.  When you have a clear direction and stop fixing things that don't need to be fixed at that time, it matters. My direction was Spring break is my dead line and get a house this weekend.
     I lived by my faith and yep, We got a house on contract. With as much family glue as I had keeping me together why did I even complain.

Limes Please

     The lemon theory when life gives you lemons make lemonade. It's a lie I say get some limes and make a new drink.
     Well when the storms are over it does not mean lightning can't strike.  Tension is definite.  We have got to find a house up in Georgia and reel the family back in. Larry has sent me some more houses to review but there is not going to be enough time unless we do something soon.
     With Michael just coming down because of Kim's death. I'll need to wait a few weeks.
     I thought that the nightmares would lay off for a bit but I was still having the kitten dream over and over. Something else must be going to happen but we have been through so much. Surely a break. The doctor told me I needed to separate myself and focus on getting better.  How do you do that just walk away from everything and everyone for myself.
    Walking away wouldn't be a option.   My sister offered to take me to Georgia to look at property and Michael and I decided at this point we have to just have to find a place.  One thing we did pin down was Harris county because they have the best schools.  I'm going back to the doctor for my test results so I'll wait and keep my mouth shut.
     The kitten dream over and over it just is not going away and every time I hear something that resembles the sound of a snap I cringe.  I am going to have to come to terms with things as they are and comprehend that I chose the live to be a wife and mother again and not everything everyday is going to be roses but that doesn't mean you have to stay in the thorns, right?
     So I'm going to get a house buy, rent, or lease and by spring break the children will be in their new home with daddy.
   

The Letter Of Death

     As I opened the mailbox I could see the letter from my children's maternal grandmother. I didn't have much respect for Hutchinson, because she stood by and let the twins watch their birth mother do drugs and supplied her daughter with them from hospice patients. As Hutchinson worked for Hospice at the time. But giving her daughter drugs for her habit was plain disgusting.  Being neither had rights to have contact with the twins anymore it was a shock in receiving the letter and was a violation in itself.
     So with hesitation on the rise I knew the only thing to do was call Michael. I already knew there was nothing good in the letter. Nothing good ever came from that group of people. The final straw in Kim loosing all her rights was passing out on drugs in front of the state officer.  The grandmother finally called the authorities because she didn't want the children or care for them on visitation and Kim stayed stoned on crushing pills and snorting them ,up her nose.
     Being she owed years of back child support, refused to complete state order rehab, and was facing prison time for government fraud you would think something like her children would give her the desire to want to get help but no. She made no attempt to come to supervised visitation we set up for her but she didn't show. As of May 2010 she never saw her children again.
     Now it's Feb 2014 and yes we are faced with reading the letter so with Michael on the phone and my aunt standing next to me I open the card and here goes :
Michael,
     Kim passed a few weeks ago thought the kids should know. I'm their grandmother and I would like to see them sometime,. Etc.
     Next was how to tell them.  Michael would come home on the weekend and we would tell them together. With the direction and  the help of my aunt and sister we would gather the family that was local and have a brunch for our children to have closer.
     Me and my brainy ideas. I called Michael's mother thinking having their other grandmother there would be helpful. She was kind to pick up the balloons and a plant.
     Never underestimate or assume someone has the best intentions or won't undermine you in your own home at every turn. The children were excited about dad coming home but apprehensive about their other grandmother coming. I didn't understand this because when she does come around they act like they are happy to see her but little did I know.
    I focused on the brunch for the twins and letting them have closer on the death of their birth mother with the idea of releasing balloons and planting a plant in her name for their benefit. After everything I'd been through with her I didn't have anything to say so I said nothing I just listened. She may have been a loving person at some point in her life and in all the years I knew of her that was not my experience. I always said I'm grateful she chose to have the children. They are my blessings now.
     I can't believe I couldn't pull some empathy out from somewhere but when it comes to mothers and children I just believe after raising my daughter you love them no matter what and you show unconditional love. You raise your children regardless of what it takes. Not send them away to a home at the first sign of trouble. Abusive hitting them for no reason, lock them in sewers or kill their animals and certainly not show them how to use drugs.
     I prayed for her soul but I have no way of knowing her state of salvation. I prayed for the children and I prayed for us.  She died in her sleep from a drug overdose. Her family had her cremated by the state and no service. Even though it was 2 weeks after they cremated her at least they told us.  Only she can answer for her choices she made them.  I've been raising the twins as my own for years and it hasn't changed a thing. They are and have been mine for several years now. The only thing that has changed is the children won't worry anymore.
     The brunch was lovely and the balloons were released. We planted the plant and took it to Georgia with us and we still have it.

Focus on Family

     We waited on the response for the offer the house but the dead line passed and well that was not the house for us. I was really disappointed because it was I thought the perfect house for us.
     When getting back from the previous trip finding that my son enjoys partaking in the smoking of notebook paper and receipts with yard leaves and spices it came as a shock that this was the latest craze among middle schools. So if your missing that receipt and you can't find it that might be why.
      My brother has been awesome and stepped up to help me as he has done so from the beginning.   He took me to the school to ensure my son and daughter got signed up for the smoking class and my son not getting suspended for having the stuff on him at school.  How do you  monitor notebook paper and receipts? Not to mention leaves from the yard. We have had enough going on and this was the last of what we needed to add to everything else. It was more then I could bare .
     Why is it right before the holidays children go out of their way to bring the wrong kind of attention on themselves. My aunt had to take me for some tests and right when I got home we walked into major chaos going on.  The twins and one of each of their friends were caught smoking behind the barn while my brother was inside the house. He came out and caught them.  My son was thrown in the pool the kids where sent home and my daughter was blaming her brother for everything. So much for I'll never do it again. I had to call Michael at this point.
     The twins didn't talk to me and I really didn't care at this point. They where acting like they could do what they wanted when they wanted and now that they had to face daddy for their behavior they didn't want to go to Georgia when that was all they talked about for days.
     My brother needed a break. So did I, everyone was tired and for some reason out of the blue my brother just has a way of changing everything around and making things better.  He said sis I have to leave for a hour or so. Will you be OK? The kids are in bed And I just need to get out of here.  When he came back he woke the kids up and gave them brand new bikes for Christmas.  I couldn't believe it. It's Christmas, we forgive and love no matter what Right! What could I say, nothing, the tears just rolled down my face.
     A few days later when we got to Georgia, it was quiet. We were just happy to all be together sitting by the fire. Our oldest was due to have our 3rd grandchild and it was a cold Christmas but our hearts were as warm as the sun on a summers day.

Waiting on the Offer

     It's been like what is going to happen next. Michael being in an accident was no help. I was grateful he was all right.  Christmas is around the corner and financial concerns are full surface.  Tension is on the rise with everyone and the twins behavior issues seem to be no different either. Jenga big blocks all fall down. Being finding a place to get the family back together as soon as possible was now the major priority and very much needed.
    My sister would need to take me back to Georgia bringing supplies and to look at property. Being it would need to be a quick trip. I would need to see the doctor first to release me for travel. With permission to go the following week, my sister was kind enough to take me with my brother and Aunt looking after the twins.
     Hoping that this weekend would be a better trip without all the other people around. Even with just us I would find the stress still kept the intensity levels to high for me to comprehend all the information intake of everything going on. Michael and I were not communicating the way we needed to too accomplish anything and I needed more from him then he could give me. He was tired. I needed to be more patient and couldn't find a moments rest to give him. Not because I didn't want to but because I couldn't get my head around everything to just be patient.
     When you want things done and you are use to doing everything yourself to make sure they get done and you are in a place you have to rely on someone else as they go at their speed you get mad when things doesn't get done or accomplished on time.  I did not leave on a good terms with him and I was very hurt over it because his I put on where we should live as a family was important to me and I wanted it to be a is decision.
    However, Michael did get his supplies and his bedding and clothes.
    Michael refused to look any more houses so my sister look me with the realtor to see some houses and well I just picked one and agreed to a contract just to be done with it. With the owners away for the holidays will wait and see of they accept the offer.

Cabin Fever

     Now that the holidays where here we left for Georgia. What would take normally 6 hours took more like 10. Being closed up in a car was a little more claustrophobic  then I thought it would be.  After arriving on the farm I realized what and why my husband wasn't saying much. He needed things and supplies we didn't plan for ahead of time and he didn't  want to spend money we didn't have.
     We always paid everything cash and never had credit debt but it was very cold and the cabin he was staying in had no heat or fireplace. He needed warmer clothes and bedding.  I felt sorry that this was how he was managing and  I couldn't leave him like that. I felt guilty and ashamed. Instead of being happy about seeing each other I was so on edge from the trip I just wanted to sleep and couldn't get warm. I just took my frustration out on everyone and  I started to avoid everyone. As the rest of the family and guest arrived 28 in all I did my best to stay out of the way to avoid any more hostile feelings.
     On Saturday that weekend we finally agreed to call a Realtor and start looking at property.
But I soon would find out I would be on my own with this endeavor. I was not prepared for this.
     With my brothers help he assisted in getting some supplies Michael needed for the cabin. We would bring the rest on the next trip at Christmas.  I couldn't wait to leave because I just couldn't get warm, I couldn't sleep, and I couldn't behave. I was out of my element and it was clear that I shouldn't be around that many people for that length of time with no escape. Trapped in my own environment even with the people I loved, I still needed more time for my physical pain to have more time to heal and the cold weather was brutal.
    By the time we got back home after seeing the doctor I was bedridden for 3 days, with bronchitis and pleurisy on top of everything else. Then I get the call. Michael's been in an accident.

Letting my husband go

     Now that I have sort of a plan in place with all the doctors, my husband can return to work for himself. He was home for he was medically hurt at work and the doctor finally released him to go back to work only to find his job was given to someone else. Michael was a loyal and faithful employee to his company and did not deserve the way the company treated him but somethings are just not meant to be for reasons at the time we may not understand.

     On a phone call with my oldest daughter she had word that there may be a opportunity for my husband to take a job up north prior to this happening so I called to see if it was still available. Well he went up north to check it out. 

      Knowing how much he would stand by me no matter what happened in the future with my health. And that he may have to solely provide for me here on out, I had to let him try. 

     My daughter and son-in-law would provide him a place to stay on their farm and I would stay in Florida with the twins and my brother. My brother would have to look after me. And so it went. I stood there as I watched this man pack. He was showing he loved me so much and was willing to leave the only home he knew and move from Florida to Georgia to start building a new life,and a new job so I could be with my daughter. She could help take care of me. As he pulled out of the driveway with blue girl by his side (she was his blue tick hound pup) I let him go. 

     If I didn't have my brother no way I could have done it with the twins. But my husband had a chance to start a job he loved and how could I say no to what he was giving me in the end. I just got to a place where I could trust him. And I let him go. I'm already hanging on by a tread as it is and here comes the holidays. 

    I kept rethinking the look on my husbands face as he backed out of the drive way that day. When he stopped got out to give me one more hug good by. I knew I loved him with my whole heart I felt then he was taking it with him.  It was that night I was reminded of the day I knew he stole my heart. He was just my neighbor then. I was sure this was the right thing to do even though I was scared and unsure of one hour to the next. But I was sure my husband loved me and that was going to have to be enough. 

     So in return I let him go.

Significant Meaning

     Most of my weeks ahead would consist of many appointments and exploratory exposure to the outside world. But the hardest was dealing with what Pandora's box had opened up in my own world.
     Taking me back to a point in time that I clearly did not want to travel. Most people have a natural love and respect for their mother and want to believe they were wanted and loved from the start or at least some point in their life. This was not my case.
     The first traumatizing  event in nightmare form goes back to about 3 years of age. Location is Orlando, Florida.  It was a dream I had before but had become more realistic and terrifying as I was reliving the dream as if I was that age. Waking me up in a panic attack hyperventilating.
     How would you respond if you found 2 children locked in a street sewer left there to die? You would call the police? That didn't happen. I have a very clear detailed memory of my own mother closing the lid of the sewer on me after she sent me down there to get my bother out of sewer. My brother was down there looking for crawdads and frogs. He was around 6 and I was 3. I remember clearly looking up at her as she pushed the lid over us. I called for her, I cried for her.
    I tried and tried and could move the lid at all. As it was dark and wet and my brother was no help he just wanted to play. Someone opened the lid. But who? It was not human it was a image brighter then the sun . The image said to me my child take my hand. As if a hand from heaven reached down and pulled me out. I called my brother and he took my hand and we left the sewer together. The only other thing was when we got home we stopped at the door from there And that's where I wake up again.  I have not been able to get past that point.
    This as a significant meaning because I don't like the feeling of being pushed aside or put down. Isolation or rejection gives me strength to overcome.  I will not if in my power ever leave anyone behind. But most important it clearly defines Gods promise in Psalms 23.  Angels walk this earth. Who else but God himself could have removed that lid? The voice clearly said my child take my hand.  It's all about what you believe and my faith is my life.  But how to pray properly !
     This would be the first of many lessons to learn. And why has it taken till my late 40's to remember ?
     Next!
   

New Point !

     So who did pull the trigger ? No one ! Wait this can't be right. If no one did then how could this have happened ?  Do you know of anyone who had a family member disappear and later find out they were wondering the streets for years or started a new life with out reason.  Well something reset them. Think about it. Why would someone completely disappear for no reason?  They got a short circuit or their own button wouldn't work anymore and some of us make it back and some us don't .

     I have always been a people person. A humanitarian at heart, fighting for the under dog and I gave this some serious thought. I think a lot of the people that live homeless and how they really got there. I would guess many of them not all due to trauma of some kind and they can't refocus their on button to reset back to the master reset of real life. Not because they don't want to but because their buttons don't let them.

     This was how I felt. Yes,  I have medical issues related to my condition at the time. But it was the tip if an iceberg I was beginning to realize I needed to carve away. 

     Memories can be beautiful but they can also haunt you in nightmares when they are traumatizing. Suppressed locked away in Pandora's box doesn't mean they will stay there forever. Anything not dealt with will show its ugly face eventually! 

     People in your current situations will trigger memories of your past as key players because your subconscious doesn't know they were not the original perpetrators that's causing you harm now. Underlying abuse, humiliation causing extreme physical and mental anguish and stress to the body. 

    So where would this most likely happen? Where do people spend most of there day?  At Work ! 

Which starts a whole new point. In order to fix it what do you do to stop it? 

First Response

     Over the next few days I felt like I lay in a spinning time warp of past reflections of nightmares and dreams with me as the primary character. Dreams that could not have possibly happened. I was scheduled to see several doctors to figure out what was causing my brain to keep me in such a dazed state.
    It was so painful the aches in my head made a migraine feel like a simple headache. I was terrified to sleep because of what I might dream. In addition to the nerve pain shooting down my arms and the right side of my tingling and numb face, I was sure I had a stroke. But no. Another mass had grown back where the previous one was removed with positive T cells, but my bone marrow was clean.          
Still no clear answers for the hell I was living through.
    All I knew to do was pray.  I started to lash out at strangers and could not be around people. I could not be left alone or go anywhere alone. Just think if you were in a grocery store and you heard someone yelling at a child and a stranger walked up and started telling at the parent to stop yelling at their kid, well that was me. I did this.
    Even to this day it bothers me to hear any child or elder being yelled at by someone. I find it makes me ill. They need to be loved and nurtured. Later I'll get into more details why.
     My heart rate and pulse stayed low so that added to the list of doctors I had to see, but the scariest was the therapist. Have you ever been hypnotized to find out if your dreams and nightmares are real ?
     How does a vibrant, self established , hard working women with a full abundant happy life fall of the ladder of life and just hang ?
     First response I got was repressed trauma triggered buy current situations combined with a extreme physical stressed immune system ! Really?
     So who hit the trigger?

All content and settings have been erased !

     On the other end of my redial as I waited for someone to answer was " Hey this is Mike I can't come to the phone right now but leave me a message and I'll get back to you ." I hung up left no message and just sat their and started to cry again . My chest was tight and my breathing was getting week then the phone starts to ring. The picture on the phone shows Mike is on the phone . Why don't I want to answer it . I hold the phone and let the call pass . I sit there watching the water hit the shore by this waterway I'm next to . I feel so drawn to the water as it's got me hypmatized. I still can barely feel myself breath the phone rings again. Is says Dr. S prime. I said hello can you help me ? To this day I can't seem to remember how I got to his office, how I got home or what happened with work all I know is I became the cell phone and  someone went into my brains general settings and hit the erase all content button.
     I had physically and mentally crashed from over use and with short running circuits I had come to a complete halt !
    What  I do remember that first week is I was a stranger to myself and I lived in a world were others knew me but I was in a haze living someone else's life . My family and friends wanted answers I couldn't give .
    I was marred to a nice looking man with twins but I didn't feel like I knew them. I remembered my brother and thank God he lived across the street . He was the hardest on me . He would say I want my sister back where did she go . He knew I was lost in this world and struggling when no one paid that close attention .
     So what got me here? How did I end up like this ?

Help ! Someone hit my memory erase button .

     This won't make sense unless you have a little bit of history.  So here goes. I have had 4 head and neck surgeries that has left me with some unresolved permanent internal nerve damage but I am currently cancer free.  

      It's over 2 years ago on a  Wednesday morning in bright sunny Clearwater, Florida and only 70 degrees outside as  I was driving to work.  It's November 13 . I'd been in my jeep about 5 minutes when all hell broke loose . 

     I couldn't feel my heart beat, but I could feel sweat starting to drip down the back of my neck and I'm at the stop light and I don't know which way to go . I start to cry . I look at my phone and I don't recognize any names . I can't breath and I start to become hysterical . Crap the light just turned green I just couldn't move . A  truck is beeping his horn and I cut a car off just to get off the road and now I'm hyperventilating . I must be dying . 

     I don't know where I am, who I am or what physically is happening to me and then the flashes of visions start . I must have overslept and in a dream . Nope I don't remember how much time went by but when I come too I looked at my phone and hit redial . Whomever I called last would know me right?